aquaphobia

I'm not going to write out all of my fears because trust me, that would take way too long to read.

But wanna know one thing I am afraid of?

the future

I'm afraid of the stacks of college applications on my dresser waiting to be filled out. I'm afraid of the ACT score I'm supposed to receive in 3-5 weeks  and I'm afraid because I didn't even finish the math section. (I just filled in C, C, C for the last ten questions. Oops.)

I don't know how I'm supposed to afford college tuition and hell, I don't even know if I'm going to be accepted by any colleges I actually want to go to. And you know what? That's scary.

I'm afraid of failure and mediocrity and heartbreak and the suburbs.

I'm afraid that my future holds all four.

I don't know if I have enough ink to fill the blank pages of my future and I'm not sure if my hands are deft enough to sketch my dreams. And I'm afraid to find out.

I'm frightened by fear itself. I'm afraid of his icy choke hold-and what it's preventing me from achieving.

I'm afraid of the could haves and would haves and should haves and the regret that comes along with them.

I'm afraid of paying taxes.

I'm afraid of my potential and I'm afraid of your potential because Hitler was once just a teenager with potential and look how he turned out.

I 'm afraid of looking in the mirror and seeing a wrinkled face staring back at me, a shriveled body unable to travel or explore or stay up until two in the morning or dance until the sun goes down.

I'm afraid to die because this world is all that I know, and while silence seems like a worthy companion, I love the sound of my own voice too damn much.

You know when you were a little kid at the beach with your family, how you'd run into the water splashing and squealing and shrieking for joy? Remember the moment you realized that you could no longer feel the velvety grains of sand caressing your little toes, and how you panicked, panicked as you found yourself suspended in the ocean's unforgiving grasp, the water closing in on you with every second?

That's the future.

Yeah, it's kind of a bitch.

And I've always had a fear of drowning.