the new drug

she watched you take him away

slowly 

slowly 

so slowly she didn't notice until it was too late

the signs were just whispers

when they should have been screams

late nights staring at the computer screen

the bright light glazing his eyes

like a sheet of ice on a winter morning

she thought the frost would thaw eventually

but you managed to chill him to the bone

with the click of an ad

"sexy girls here"

you dragged him down into abyss

his eyes were open and he was seeing

not her

never her

but you

in all your glory

fantasizing over an image that she could never attain

taking in the curves of a girl so young she could be his daughter

watching as you gave him everything that she never could

and it was easy for him to get lost in your illusion

because like a drug 

you pulled him in

and like a drug

you shackled him

and she watched as he stopped seeing her

she cried as he stopped holding her

because when he looked at her

he thought of you

and all the ways she didn't measure up

because who needs love and all of its pesky little flaws

who needs short tempers and bad hair days and dirty kitchens

when there's you

always waiting

perfectly photoshopped

always having a good time

and unlike her,

when he's tired of you,

he can simply click another link

because who needs love

when you can have a lie

he's off chasing something that isn't even real

leaving her in the dust

dissatisfied

disenchanted

because her reality didn't fit his fantasy

the fantasy that you fed him

the fantasy that changed him

because like a drug

you pulled him in

and like a drug 

you shackled him

and like a fool

he believed you.

the girl i want to be

sweet like honey and just as smooth
with a smile painted on porcelain cheeks
don't swear, don't argue, don't be so crude
after all, that's not what a lady would do.

beautiful in an effortless way
with hair that falls in curtains of silk
lips like roses and eyes like the stars
you tell her she's the prettiest thing you've ever seen
no need for make-up, she's the epitome of perfection
she smiles underneath the foundation she wears like a shield
wary, alert
she knows how this could end
because you'll run at the slightest chink in the armor

meek like a lamb with a domestic little heart
a welcome sight after a long day at the office
with glitter in her mind and vacant lips
you know she'll always be there waiting for you
demure and harmless and sugary sweet
she's not a threat
you still rule sovereign
you've nothing to fear

but we are done being sweet and beautiful and meek
done being a doll to store on the shelf
not a damsel in distress
nor a flimsy paper boat
but stronger, much stronger
we're so much more

i want to be ferocious and wild and free
call me clever before complimenting my eyes
don't drink in my figure but the fire in my gaze
because trust me
there's so much more than what you see
and if i want to be pretty, it's not for you
my beauty will be powerful, not frilly and weak
because i alone am the master of my self

And i'll choose the kind of girl i want to be.

burning

she burned and burned until there was nothing left

just scattered ashes

in the shameful breeze

and you watched as the flames licked the night sky

not speaking

not moving

not listening

just watching

because her destruction

warmed your ice-cold soul

i choose to rise

things aren't how i thought they'd be

i was always the girl with a plan
the one who knew what she wanted from life
and exactly how she was going to get there

always carrying an extra pen
always ready for that pop quiz
always a proud mother's facebook post
and a loving father's water-cooler brag,
and always good for a witty remark or two

step 1:
step 2: save the world
step 3:
never took much time for the prologue
or the epilogue

but now i'm thinking maybe i should have

because life isn't like a game of the sims on the computer
there's no second chances
or do-overs
no game over just to start right back where you started

there's no master controller
no matter how hard i try
because life is just one big unknown
a river running in one direction
and you either swim
or drown

i've spent enough time lamenting what might have been
and cursing whoever's pulling the strings up there
today i choose to take what i'm given
and run with the wind at my back

because everyday the sun rises without fail

and so will i

denouement

what high school taught me
was that you can never start a sentence with "and" or "but"
i also learned that it's better to be known as a bitch
than to be known as a girl that you can walk all over

what high school taught me
was that you must memorize the quadratic equation at all costs
it also taught me that sometimes it's your friends that can say the most hurtful things
and while it may be easy to forgive
it's a hell of a lot harder to forget

what high school taught me
was that andrew jackson was the fifteenth president
i also learned that college tuition is the number one murderer of dreams around the country
and that it's okay to fail sometimes

what high school taught me
was that water is a polar molecule
it also taught me that one day
an old song will come on the radio
and it will remind you that even though you weren't okay then
you're okay now
and it was all worth it.

i never dissected a frog
or truly memorized the unit circle
or learned how to be as social and peppy as my friends
i never mastered ceramics
or wrote the best poetry
and i didn't end up going to the college i wanted to

but i did learn that sometimes the strangest people are the best people
and to be okay with myself
even when others may not be.
i learned to stop wasting my time with friends that didn't act like friends
to spend time with my family
because sometimes they were all i had
i learned how to stop being so hard on myself
to accept defeat
to stand up
when all i wanted to do was sit down

and as for paris?
paris taught me
that i want to write for the rest of my life.
it taught me bravery
it taught me courage
and most of all
it taught me that we all have something in common
that no matter what social circle we come from
whether you're a athlete or cheerleader or rapper or singer or musician
we are all the same.
and for that,
i am forever grateful.

this is the the denouement.
but believe me,
 i'll remember what i've learned here for the rest of my life.

i love you guys.

thanks for living in paris with me.

i am having a quarter life crisis so i wrote this depressing post

18 and in limbo
too young to drink
but old enough to die for our country

it's midnight and my mind won't shut off
tick tock tick tock life is a clock
tick tock tick tock I just want time to stop

time to trade crayons for ballpoint pens
fruit loops for raisin bran
disney for cnn
innocence for the world on your shoulders

graduation is a funeral
we put on our sunday best
and watch our childhood die
those plastered on grins aren't fooling anyone
because after the diploma comes the degree
and after the degree comes the american dream
marriage
divorce
a mid-life crisis
and then you work 'til you die (if you're lucky)

but for now I still have the stars in my eyes
and time can't rob me of the galaxy that I still contain
not yet, anyways

so I'll memorize the sound of my mother's voice
take pictures in my mind of my dad's chesire cat grin
I'll never forget how it feels when my sister wraps her little arms around me
or how my brother can always make me laugh

remember sleepovers in too small beds
remember concerts with your best friends
remember high school dances and cheap romances
and don't you dare forget how good it feels to live

because someday becomes today
and today becomes the past
the faces you know fade like a favorite pair of blue jeans
and everyone
everyone
leaves 

but the stars are always the same.

so for tonight I'll take the constellations as company

but

all stars burn out eventually

drawn curtains

she shouts her opinions from the rooftops
entrapping the sky as her captive audience
this is her world
and she will have it

she smashes her fist into cruelty,
unaffected
stomping out pain
with her steel toed boots

her voice is loud
she will never not be heard
but in her own mind
the silence is suffocating

life's a stage and she's a star performer
act like nothing's wrong
paint on a smile they'll see from the nosebleeds
don't let them see you sweat

they say eyes are the windows to the soul
but she has her curtains drawn
her mind is an abandoned playground
her cheeks hollow in the moonlight
but as long as her make-up covers the bags beneath her eyes
she'll keep going
going

but if you take a moment to look inside
you'll see how their words stop her in tracks
and how at night everything
               
                       comes
                            crashing
                                     down

she is alone.

but you were too busy admiring the drapes