jonathan

depression is a lonely place
like a dilapidated shack in the middle of the woods
no neighbors to speak of
not a soul to be seen
just you
and the trees
their branches looking more and more like monsters each day

you try to run
try to scream

but you can't escape the house inside your mind

i wish you would've peered through the curtains
unlatched the window
and seen the sun shining in the sky
there's a house next door with smoke coming out the chimney
and one around the bend containing the smiling faces of your family

if you'd just look a little farther
you'd see

but i understand
it's hard to look very far while you're shackled to a chair
in the house inside your mind

doctors are for healing yet they couldn't heal you
diagnose
prescribe
repeat
but no matter what they did
you remained trapped
bound to your disease
with no end in sight

so you found the only escape route you could think of
free from your chains at last
but i wish you could've seen the sun shining in the sky
and seen the love radiating from your family's every pore
however
i know it's not that easy
shackles can't be broken with bare hands

still

i wish i could see you smile one more time.

but now you'll never feel the darkness again
say hi to grandma for me
and my sister
in the meantime
we'll live for you

i'll see you again someday

i know you'll be smiling

12.10.15

Progress

Her friend asks, "How do you know when you're over him?"

"I think," she says, "it's when you stop remembering the little things he'd do to make you smile, or how you'd fall asleep with the phone at your ear, talking about nothing and everything at once. It's when your stomach stops dropping at the sound of his favorite song on the radio, or when you can watch his favorite movie without imagining him there beside you."

"It's when you feel indifferent at the thought of him, when the only thought you have when your mother mentions him is to hope he's doing well. It's when the sweatshirt he left on the chair in your room stops suffocating you in your sleep, and when you stop wishing he was there whenever it's 11:11."

"Instead," she breathes, a small smiling gracing her lips, "it's when you start to wish for your own happiness, for unsolicited smiles that have nothing to do with the thought of him."

"So, have you gotten over him?"

She pauses for a moment, biting her lip as she considers this.

"Well," she replies, "not really. But I'm getting there."

"I'll be there soon, I think."

the new drug

she watched you take him away

slowly 

slowly 

so slowly she didn't notice until it was too late

the signs were just whispers

when they should have been screams

late nights staring at the computer screen

the bright light glazing his eyes

like a sheet of ice on a winter morning

she thought the frost would thaw eventually

but you managed to chill him to the bone

with the click of an ad

"sexy girls here"

you dragged him down into abyss

his eyes were open and he was seeing

not her

never her

but you

in all your glory

fantasizing over an image that she could never attain

taking in the curves of a girl so young she could be his daughter

watching as you gave him everything that she never could

and it was easy for him to get lost in your illusion

because like a drug 

you pulled him in

and like a drug

you shackled him

and she watched as he stopped seeing her

she cried as he stopped holding her

because when he looked at her

he thought of you

and all the ways she didn't measure up

because who needs love and all of its pesky little flaws

who needs short tempers and bad hair days and dirty kitchens

when there's you

always waiting

perfectly photoshopped

always having a good time

and unlike her,

when he's tired of you,

he can simply click another link

because who needs love

when you can have a lie

he's off chasing something that isn't even real

leaving her in the dust

dissatisfied

disenchanted

because her reality didn't fit his fantasy

the fantasy that you fed him

the fantasy that changed him

because like a drug

you pulled him in

and like a drug 

you shackled him

and like a fool

he believed you.

the girl i want to be

sweet like honey and just as smooth
with a smile painted on porcelain cheeks
don't swear, don't argue, don't be so crude
after all, that's not what a lady would do.

beautiful in an effortless way
with hair that falls in curtains of silk
lips like roses and eyes like the stars
you tell her she's the prettiest thing you've ever seen
no need for make-up, she's the epitome of perfection
she smiles underneath the foundation she wears like a shield
wary, alert
she knows how this could end
because you'll run at the slightest chink in the armor

meek like a lamb with a domestic little heart
a welcome sight after a long day at the office
with glitter in her mind and vacant lips
you know she'll always be there waiting for you
demure and harmless and sugary sweet
she's not a threat
you still rule sovereign
you've nothing to fear

but we are done being sweet and beautiful and meek
done being a doll to store on the shelf
not a damsel in distress
nor a flimsy paper boat
but stronger, much stronger
we're so much more

i want to be ferocious and wild and free
call me clever before complimenting my eyes
don't drink in my figure but the fire in my gaze
because trust me
there's so much more than what you see
and if i want to be pretty, it's not for you
my beauty will be powerful, not frilly and weak
because i alone am the master of my self

And i'll choose the kind of girl i want to be.

burning

she burned and burned until there was nothing left

just scattered ashes

in the shameful breeze

and you watched as the flames licked the night sky

not speaking

not moving

not listening

just watching

because her destruction

warmed your ice-cold soul

i choose to rise

things aren't how i thought they'd be

i was always the girl with a plan
the one who knew what she wanted from life
and exactly how she was going to get there

always carrying an extra pen
always ready for that pop quiz
always a proud mother's facebook post
and a loving father's water-cooler brag,
and always good for a witty remark or two

step 1:
step 2: save the world
step 3:
never took much time for the prologue
or the epilogue

but now i'm thinking maybe i should have

because life isn't like a game of the sims on the computer
there's no second chances
or do-overs
no game over just to start right back where you started

there's no master controller
no matter how hard i try
because life is just one big unknown
a river running in one direction
and you either swim
or drown

i've spent enough time lamenting what might have been
and cursing whoever's pulling the strings up there
today i choose to take what i'm given
and run with the wind at my back

because everyday the sun rises without fail

and so will i

denouement

what high school taught me
was that you can never start a sentence with "and" or "but"
i also learned that it's better to be known as a bitch
than to be known as a girl that you can walk all over

what high school taught me
was that you must memorize the quadratic equation at all costs
it also taught me that sometimes it's your friends that can say the most hurtful things
and while it may be easy to forgive
it's a hell of a lot harder to forget

what high school taught me
was that andrew jackson was the fifteenth president
i also learned that college tuition is the number one murderer of dreams around the country
and that it's okay to fail sometimes

what high school taught me
was that water is a polar molecule
it also taught me that one day
an old song will come on the radio
and it will remind you that even though you weren't okay then
you're okay now
and it was all worth it.

i never dissected a frog
or truly memorized the unit circle
or learned how to be as social and peppy as my friends
i never mastered ceramics
or wrote the best poetry
and i didn't end up going to the college i wanted to

but i did learn that sometimes the strangest people are the best people
and to be okay with myself
even when others may not be.
i learned to stop wasting my time with friends that didn't act like friends
to spend time with my family
because sometimes they were all i had
i learned how to stop being so hard on myself
to accept defeat
to stand up
when all i wanted to do was sit down

and as for paris?
paris taught me
that i want to write for the rest of my life.
it taught me bravery
it taught me courage
and most of all
it taught me that we all have something in common
that no matter what social circle we come from
whether you're a athlete or cheerleader or rapper or singer or musician
we are all the same.
and for that,
i am forever grateful.

this is the the denouement.
but believe me,
 i'll remember what i've learned here for the rest of my life.

i love you guys.

thanks for living in paris with me.