denouement

what high school taught me
was that you can never start a sentence with "and" or "but"
i also learned that it's better to be known as a bitch
than to be known as a girl that you can walk all over

what high school taught me
was that you must memorize the quadratic equation at all costs
it also taught me that sometimes it's your friends that can say the most hurtful things
and while it may be easy to forgive
it's a hell of a lot harder to forget

what high school taught me
was that andrew jackson was the fifteenth president
i also learned that college tuition is the number one murderer of dreams around the country
and that it's okay to fail sometimes

what high school taught me
was that water is a polar molecule
it also taught me that one day
an old song will come on the radio
and it will remind you that even though you weren't okay then
you're okay now
and it was all worth it.

i never dissected a frog
or truly memorized the unit circle
or learned how to be as social and peppy as my friends
i never mastered ceramics
or wrote the best poetry
and i didn't end up going to the college i wanted to

but i did learn that sometimes the strangest people are the best people
and to be okay with myself
even when others may not be.
i learned to stop wasting my time with friends that didn't act like friends
to spend time with my family
because sometimes they were all i had
i learned how to stop being so hard on myself
to accept defeat
to stand up
when all i wanted to do was sit down

and as for paris?
paris taught me
that i want to write for the rest of my life.
it taught me bravery
it taught me courage
and most of all
it taught me that we all have something in common
that no matter what social circle we come from
whether you're a athlete or cheerleader or rapper or singer or musician
we are all the same.
and for that,
i am forever grateful.

this is the the denouement.
but believe me,
 i'll remember what i've learned here for the rest of my life.

i love you guys.

thanks for living in paris with me.

i am having a quarter life crisis so i wrote this depressing post

18 and in limbo
too young to drink
but old enough to die for our country

it's midnight and my mind won't shut off
tick tock tick tock life is a clock
tick tock tick tock I just want time to stop

time to trade crayons for ballpoint pens
fruit loops for raisin bran
disney for cnn
innocence for the world on your shoulders

graduation is a funeral
we put on our sunday best
and watch our childhood die
those plastered on grins aren't fooling anyone
because after the diploma comes the degree
and after the degree comes the american dream
marriage
divorce
a mid-life crisis
and then you work 'til you die (if you're lucky)

but for now I still have the stars in my eyes
and time can't rob me of the galaxy that I still contain
not yet, anyways

so I'll memorize the sound of my mother's voice
take pictures in my mind of my dad's chesire cat grin
I'll never forget how it feels when my sister wraps her little arms around me
or how my brother can always make me laugh

remember sleepovers in too small beds
remember concerts with your best friends
remember high school dances and cheap romances
and don't you dare forget how good it feels to live

because someday becomes today
and today becomes the past
the faces you know fade like a favorite pair of blue jeans
and everyone
everyone
leaves 

but the stars are always the same.

so for tonight I'll take the constellations as company

but

all stars burn out eventually

drawn curtains

she shouts her opinions from the rooftops
entrapping the sky as her captive audience
this is her world
and she will have it

she smashes her fist into cruelty,
unaffected
stomping out pain
with her steel toed boots

her voice is loud
she will never not be heard
but in her own mind
the silence is suffocating

life's a stage and she's a star performer
act like nothing's wrong
paint on a smile they'll see from the nosebleeds
don't let them see you sweat

they say eyes are the windows to the soul
but she has her curtains drawn
her mind is an abandoned playground
her cheeks hollow in the moonlight
but as long as her make-up covers the bags beneath her eyes
she'll keep going
going

but if you take a moment to look inside
you'll see how their words stop her in tracks
and how at night everything
               
                       comes
                            crashing
                                     down

she is alone.

but you were too busy admiring the drapes

all you need is (self) love

this year
I fell in love

it was magical
unexpected
the life-altering, earth shaking type of affair

this year I fell in love
not with the boy that wears the beanie in my fourth period class
or the sweet talking barista that memorized my order at beans & brew
not with the guitar player or the study buddy or even the boy who took my breath away
and definitely not with the jock swaggering down the 100 hall

they say when you fall in love it's like you're wearing rose colored glasses
like the sun shines just a little bit brighter and the birds sing just for you
but this love of mine?
it shattered the lenses of the glasses I've worn my whole life
destroyed the frames
canceled the prescription


20/20 vision's never felt so good
because this year was the year

I fell in love with myself

and my sight has never been clearer

I am a terrible dancer
I hold grudges longer than I should
I don't have the best hair
I use sarcasm far too liberally
I procrastinate (a lot)
I beat myself up over everything

but

I am passionate
I am strong
I am capable
I am talented
I am loyal
I am enough

I love the gap between my teeth and the freckles on my nose
I love the way I always pronounce words wrong that I learned from reading the books on my shelf
I love my awkward dance moves and my opinionated mouth
I love the every imperfection and flaw and all the terrible things that come with being human

this year I fell in love
it's not the type of love that nicholas sparks would write about
there's no dashing hero that pieces together my fragmented heart
but it's the type of love that saves you
that saved me

this love is deeper than that
it's life-sustaining
this love is happiness
this love is acceptance
this love is everything

love is a big word, but I think I've found it within myself

because I am me
and that's enough

and so are you

note: i highly encourage ya'll to go check out the blog post that inspired this new year's resolution here

montana

not alone, not alone

to the preening commons crusaders and the 600 hall wallflowers
to the chess club and the math club and the rap club that has yet to hold a meeting,
to every pair of lungs that breathe and every pair of hands that shake,
you're not alone. (excuse my cliche)
i see the fragile heart hidden beneath the mesh armor of the jersey you wear
the smothered words trapped behind metal coated teeth
i see the broken smile that not even the brightest shade of drugstore lipstick can conceal
and the pain buried somewhere deep in your binder
i've felt despair in the midst of the battlefield
when the sword just seems too heavy and rust-scented blood threatens sanity
i've been alone in the hallway stampede
each errant elbow and swinging backpack a deathblow,
each giggle shared amongst friends a eulogy
i've had a staring contest with disappointment
and felt the burn
that comes with unfulfilled expectations
you're not alone
i am you
you are me
we're comrades at arms.
and outside of the commons,
beyond the "world class" sign,
away from the teachers and hallways and grading scales and assemblies,
is another battle waiting to be fought.
because they don't write history books about those who let themselves be silenced
and you deserve to be heard.
you deserve to be seen.
you deserve to live.

raise your voice
paint the sky with your dreams
grasp the world in your palms and claim it as your own
because spring's just around the corner
and i can't wait to see what you
what i
what we
will become

you're not alone

so please don't leave me

red balloon

the other day I sprained my ankle

I jumped too high and fell too hard

I should've known the monkey bars were out of my reach

miss robertson gave me a red ballon after class one day

I tied it 'round my wrist but somehow it got free

I chased after it anyway because back then I swore I could fly

the stars sure do shine bright and I thought they were shining just for me

and all I wanted was to feel the universe brush my lined palms

not to be burned by the unforgiving galaxy

people aren't spaceships and I am a tree

better to stay rooted in the soil that is home

I may become gnarled but at least my branches stay tidy

last week I saw that red balloon floating in the unknown

but I kept my feet planted firmly on the ground

the other day I sprained my ankle, after all

up there in the sky is everything I ever wanted

but people aren't spaceships

and I have a sprained ankle

maybe next week, I suppose